Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Meditation, relaxation and centering

I'm a person who has a lot of security issues (like every human ever) and as many people have done over the centuries I've found ways to try and center myself and find my zen. The best way for me has always been to find "my place" and to relax and meditate, often I'll sit for an hour in a comfortable position and just reflect on my thoughts and feelings. My place is an area that's always been distinctly me, my smells or sights or just kinda saturated with me-ness in general, and that's always in the past helped me to become comfortable and relaxed.

Over the last year I've had a lot of lifestyle changes, mostly good, and these have changed not just the way I see the world and interact with it but also what helps me to relax and to keep me calm. I've always struggled with over-stimulation, too much of anything and I start to stress and become twitchy, but over the last two months I've come to discover that my old ways of relaxing and finding my zen seem to either be less effective or just make the problem worse. I've come to find that being isolated and alone, absorbed in my own comfort setting, doesn't really help me relieve stress as much or at all anymore these days.My own spiritual turbulence hasn't helped much, so I decided a plan of attack was needed.

So I began my search to try and find more of me and to reconnect with myself. I tried a variety of different meditations and changes to my environment, it took a while but I finally found something that worked. And I learned a little bit more about myself in the process. I found out that really...being alone doesn't work anymore. Maybe it's a result of me growing and breaking out of my tiny shell, or perhaps its because I'm tired of living in fear and distrust and want to open up more with people. In either case, I want to be connected and I want to feel like I'm a part of something. That really helped, coming to understand that. The bustle of city life just made me nervous, I hate traffic and being surrounded by way too much city always makes me frustrated at the urban sprawl. I've found just relaxing with my back against a tree, shoes kicked off and toes wriggling in the open air far more comfortable and useful for my meditations.

I've started almost all of my days over the last 2 weeks the same way, which I've found rather nice. I wake up, have a glass of water and head outside. Behind my dwelling is a nice plot of land, nice dense trees which I can walk just 5 feet back into before losing sight of the road and civilization. There's a pine tree with a nice nook that I rest against and stretch out. Sometimes I wriggle in to get more comfortable, sometimes I don't need to, but I always kick my shoes and socks off and wriggle my toes in the air satisfied to have the freedom. Sometimes I dig them into the dirt, sometimes I just let the rest on the leaves and see how many I can collect on top of them. I'll then fold my hands over my lap, close my eyes and just relax. I'll meditate on my thoughts, on my day and what my tasks are. I'll reflect on my surroundings, and lose myself in the buzzing of the bugs and the chirping of the birds.I lose myself, till I just can't feel anything except that I'm a part of the woods and its when I can finally feel relaxed and ready to tackle the day. I stay until I'm lost, no more than several minutes sometimes but other times under darker days I can be there for an hour or more. When I finally walk back out, I dunno I just feel more me and not me at the same time.

So yeah, that's been my new thing. It feels really good so far in helping me get ready for the day, and helping me feel more...I dunno, more me.