Well, maybe terrible was a strong term. Not good is better, or even lacking in chivalrousness could be described; any way you cut it I was not a good person to be terribly close to. I cheated and stole, I gossiped and worked to "punish" those that I felt wronged me and my own, I lied and broke promises. I blamed my hurt on my past, on my present, on anything I could find to excuse my poor behavior. And all the while, I was miserable.
A whirlwind of time later, I found myself surrounded by a whole new crowd. A new girlfriend, a new social circle, new peers in my life. It was a restart, a chance to have a blank canvas...and I almost wrecked it. My fear, my cowardliness almost had me throw it all away. People were treating me with respect. Me, this monster of a person, was being treated with kindness and generosity. My best friend Ever has often stated it's because people could see the good in me that I was choosing to be blind to, and I really feel she was right. I was blind to the person inside, the honest and good soul, because I was afraid. Afraid of my past, afraid of the choices I had made, and afraid of admitting fear itself. I was running from life because I was afraid to live it.
So many people have come into my life, some more prominently than others and yet others have drifted away. Every single interaction has helped me to see who I am, to discover the spar of hope I used to parade down the street with. People such as Dulcia, Madhavi, Ever and yes of course my lovely wife-to-be Sarah have all helped me discover the person I've always wanted to be but been afraid to confront. It's been rough, and at many points I have fought and rejected it.
All this is on my mind from a sudden and surprise test of my character I encountered within the last 24 hours. I've never realized how far I came until today, and how much I have changed. I know it's cliche', but there's a song lyric that really speaks to me on this:
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.
To all the wonderful people who have been in my life these last 4 years...thank you. Thank you for inspiring me, pushing me, mocking me at times when I got too serious or bringing me to earth when I was lost in the clouds. Thank you for never letting me go, and for helping me to be the good pperson I've always hoped to be.
Stay tuned for some madness, some ramblings and some more general updates.
