Saturday, April 9, 2016

Improving the game? Or snobbery?

One of the things I've been struggling with the last few weeks is that balance between wanting to improve my personal/local "game" and not wanting to be a snobbish asshole who demands elitism. Much of the argument is internal to be fair, but when it starts to affect my outside worldview I worry about crossing the line.

I've been on a personal kick to improve my game for the past few weeks. So much of my fun has been in losing myself in another time/place, but as I've played longer in the SCA it's become tricky. A lot of these limitations are mine, where I focused so much on food I did not develop as well in other areas and those moments began to remove me from the fun. I grew self-conscious of my patched together miss-matched outfits, I was embarrassed at my lazy attempts at heraldry, I couldn't find my personas way out of a paper bag with hazily touched upon studies. I realized this was something that was troubling me, and I have finally started taking the steps I needed to up my game.

Come Fall Coronation I should have a total of 6 new outfits for every occasion, and flags of heraldry to represent myself and my home proudly. I'm converting my personal kits to have a more period look, putting my spices into jars and looking into transporting my gear for all seasons in period style containers. I'm really excited to bring myself to a better personal game, and that in turn has inspired me to share more of what I love and help others raise their games as well.  But in expanding my view, I've noticed myself feeling almost...snobbish or frustrated with others who don't seem to want to even try. And I try not to let it affect me too much, but still...

A conversation in regards to feasts brought this up again today. We strive to have a period presence in everything we do, but with food it always seem to be a struggle. Why? I just don't understand it, and I get frustrated when I see menus which are not even pretending to look period, or hear people telling me I shouldn't care so much about it. I do care, and I get frustrated that so many others don't. But on the other hand, I haven't gotten a bunch of crap for how I've looked or camped if it wasn't up to par with the others around me.

I'm just stuck in a loss as I puzzle this, how to address it. I now the first step is to improve my own game, but how to I enhance and improve the game around me? How do I help others make those next steps, even in thins they perhaps dot see a need to do? 

Am I working to improve the game, or am I just a snob?

Monday, March 14, 2016

Homestead Journal of Christopher Köch Part 2

Staying at home alone, in our large estate, is quite boring.

Today not as much was accomplished as I would have liked. My nights were plagued with waking dreams, I could not settle myself to rest and relax. Perhaps it's that fog of war that hovers over our land, latest news is the army has fully arrived and entrenched themselves in for the fight to come. Perhaps it is my wife's new pets whom do not understand the common decency of a quiet movement at night. Alas.

More organization was done today, another few crates opened and distributed around the estate. The cleaning staff was directed to clean up several small chamber pots and remove trash from the interior, and as always my linens needed cleaning and directions for storage. I think tomorrow I will speak with my grounds keeper, my carriage could use a polish to remove the pollen and several topiary features will need to be shaped and cared for. Lunch was a simple meal, in silence again for a third day since my lady wife left me for war.

I think I will rest for a bit before meeting with the nobility again. Yesterday was a challenge, but today should be much improved.

I wish my blade was running through a villain right now.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Homestead Journal of Christopher Köch Part 1

It is a strange feeling, not marching on campaign with my Kingdom. Last year was the first year that I fought alongside my cousins in Trimaris, and this year I sit at the homestead while my darling wife travels forward with the merchants to sell her wares and expand her knowledge. I am proud of her courage to travel so far from home with so little of the household, but I will admit my heart longs to be alongside her.

Alas, with this call to war I am stuck on the homestead. Changes in the nobility have changed my roles and duties to them, and with such great upheaval I must remain and see that my holdings are protected. I have many rivals in court, and I will not see any harm come to my income. I have also acquired several new animals to help grow my holdings, they require breaking in and adjusting to their new environments. And with the latest expansions to our home and the repairs that need to be overseen...perhaps it was a blessing from God that I did not march to war.

I have heard that the army is assembling over the next day and soon Trimaris will be prepared to engage any who come out way. This good news brings joy to my heart, I can only hope the messages from so distant a travel continue. 

Today has been the start of my work on the homestead. I oversaw the cleaning staff do a deep clean of the kitchen and bathing chambers, and the new animals were deftly put through an exercise routine before being fed and watered. I ensured that all fabrics would be laundered, and gave direction to the house staff in instructions for storing them. After that I had a business lunch with a few other merchants in the Barony, we organized export trade goods between our two groups and I gave insight on a tavern menu they were still struggling with. 

Now I hitch my horses and go to court to continue my work and negotiations with the new nobles I find myself having to work with. They are good and skilled, but we are both unsure of each other. I pray to St. Christopher for safe travels, and to St. Paul for the patience I know I'll required today.

Tomorrow will be another day, and a better one at that.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Facing the mirror

St. Val's feast had me facing something terrifying. I was uncomfortable the whole time, anxious and nervous. I think this feast was the hardest thing I've done so far, because I had to face my greatest challenges in it. I had to face myself during this, I had to face my own failings and mistakes. I had to realize my own limitations, further more I had to realize when I was sabotaging myself. This feast helped me realize all that.

Long time ago, I was that gifted kid in class. I was the one who was ahead of every lesson, I could pick up and sight read music for nearly any instrument, I was reading at a college level by 5th grade and I was always on top. I didn't have to try, I didn't have to really work to be successful. Not until 7th grade, I ran into my first challenge then when I was put into the 8th grade advanced math course. Suddenly I had to try, I was just...average. I failed.

I couldn't handle it, the failing. I began to think that maybe I wasn't smart, that I couldn't do all these things. That I was just this fraud...that my life to that point was wrong and a lie. So I stopped trying. I started holding back, I chose to take no action and let things just happen. I began to rationalize that if I didn't actually try then I would never really know how well I could actually do or know how badly I could fail. I took the easiest route, I avoided challenges and just let myself fail through inaction rather than make an effort.

I did this for so long, that it just became my MO. I took the easy roads, I let the chips fall where they may instead of trying and I just let life rule me. I made so many poor choices through inaction, that I began to believe my own bullshit. Even when I joined up with the SCA the second time, what I did while fun was no real challenge to me. I could just...do it without trying. So I did things for fun, and nothing was amiss. Then I hit Fall Coronation 2015.

I devoted a year of my life to that feast. I studied Japanese culture, I read their mythology and history from pre-history to Edo. I learned about their poems and their songs, their wars and heroes. All of this so I could understand a new cooking style, to understand a culture that was incredibly foreign to everything I've known. I got to the feast after a year of work...and I did a good job. I made plenty of mistakes, the list if I were to get into it would be huge if I were to be frank, but it was still a damned good feast. It wasn't my best, but for the first time in a long time I really tried and while I didn't quite reach that top gold rung I got a good silver pedestal. But everyone else...I couldn't escape the praise. I couldn't escape the constant well wishes and the regular compliments, and the more praise was heaped at me the more I began to resent the feast. I hadn't been the best, I had just passed, why was everyone making a huge deal about my failures?

I started another downward spiral. I started to rethink every success I had over the last five years and began to tell myself that even my easy successes had just been failures that people didn't realize. As I began to work on my next feast for St. Val's, I couldn't focus. Even working with a fantastic partner, I did not put anywhere near the effort I normally did into it. I expected to fail, I expected that it would be ruined and thus I put almost zero effort or work towards it. I just couldn't muster the energy to care.

Then I was suddenly forced to care. St. Val's was to host Art/Sci, and I had to look at the 3/4 completed project I had left in rambles and face the fact that it was me who ensured it couldn't be entered. I had to fave the fact that the feast was going to be hurt because I didn't support my comrade, and my friends were gonna have a bad night because I was selfish and didn't want to admit that I lacked such confidence in myself. My friends know I have such little ego, so when I looked into the mirror that day the next thought that came was akin to a slap in the face.

I looked into the mirror, and realized I had been holding back for years because I was too afraid to really try. I had never really tried at anything for years until fall coronation, and I was willing to throw that all away. 

I was a flurry of work from that point on. I pushed myself to recover for lost time, I improvised recipes on instinct and potions/flavor profiles on just a fundamental understanding. Hell, I recreated a recipe I had eaten 2 years ago based on memory of taste/texture and a few tips on assorted chickpea recipes I found online. I gave it a real effort that last little bit of time, to just be good again. I made a huge number of mistakes, but I had a great team member supporting me and a great crew to work with all day. I faced my fear of failure instead of hiding, I gave it a real try for my friends sake. 

We did a real good feast, hot food was hot and cold food was cold. Everyone liked the taste, and everyone had plenty to eat. I had a great co-Feastcrat who worked with me to make a great experience. I had a great hall steward who did a fantastic job of organizing the hall and servers. I had great friends who supported me and helped me get through it. I got a chance to look in the mirror and realize that if I actually tried...if I put real effort into my passion without fear of failure...that maybe I could have my best feast yet.

I feel good. I got hurt, I got knocked down. But for the first time I realize that it's my fault for the pain, and now I can stand back up and keep moving forward.

An Crosaire has always been a place of beginnings, of renewals for me. Seems like it did it again.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Video Games: A Year in Review

I love video games, I wish I had more time to just sit back and enjoy them but my life often takes me away. 2015 has been a great year for gaming for me, and I would just like to talk about some of my experiences this year in gaming. These are not everything I've played this year, just some of my favorites.



Fallout 4 - I have sunk WAY too many hours into this game already, and it just came out in December. I love everything to do with this game, I've made 4 distinct characters already to explore different character builds and ways to explore the game. Another Bethesda classic, the open world style of game play for me never gets old and continues to shine. There have been some great improvements in the game from Fallout 3 (love the physics, improved combat mechanics and cool gun customization's), but also some negative changes I'm none to pleased with (dialog system anyone?). I think the hidden gem of this game is the surprise settlement building mechanics, it's a great start and I hope that the DLC coming soon will expand and improve on the basic system in place.

I rate Fallout at 4 power armor suits  out of 5.


Bloodborne - Dark Souls/Demon Souls never really appealed to me as a gamer, the mechanics are unforgiving most of the time and not conductive to my style of enjoyment. When I heard of Bloodborne I was like "Oh great, another hard ass game I have to be told I should enjoy if I'm a real gamer". It was this review here that changed my mind on the game, I am a sucker for a good story and I love Victorian Horror and Lovecraft Horror styles. Yes the game is grueling and yes the game is very unforgiving at times...but the lore and story of this game have me hooked. If you love good horror, and don't mind some crazy difficult game play, I cannot recommend this game enough.

I rate Bloodborne at 3 gibbering madmen ranting about the Old Ones out of Gralphfil'agi



Destiny: Taken King Edition - I purchased a PS4 just to get Destiny when it first came out in 2014, and I was super disappointed. I'm not the biggest shooter fan, but the story alone attracted me to this gem and I had followed its development for years. The finished product left me underwhelmed at best, and I traded it away and moved onto other games. When the Taken King edition came out (with the original game + all the expansions and DLC to date), my wife purchased it for me because she remembered how much I wanted the game in the past. I have to say...all the changes have been good. The DLC and expansions fill out the game, re-balancing has been nice. The game controls better, and I do have a more enjoyable time with it overall. The story still feels lacking, and I'm still frustrated with the whole Bungee website thing, but as far as a shooter goes it's the most fun I've had this year.

I rate Destiny at  2.5 ammo clips out of 4 randomly generated wooden crates somewhere on the f^&king map.


Until Dawn - Dude, this game rocks. It's a video game that plays like a classic 80's/90's horror film, the butterfly effect/choice system is cool and its some of the tightest acting/writing I've seen in a game to date. There isn't much to the mechanics sadly, it's a very story heavy game so many action-style gamer's may find it boring. But it's the perfect game to play when you have a bunch of friends over and wanna feel involved in the telling of a great horror story.

I rate Until Dawn 4 jump scares out of AHHHHH!


Pokemon Alpha Sapphire - 7/10, too much water. Sorry, I couldn't resist the joke! This is a remake of the Gen 3 Pokemon classic, and its a fantastic upgrade. New look, new Pokemon, new styles, it's just great. If you've ever played Pokemon you know what you're getting, but that hasn't stopped me from putting in hundreds of hours into the game. If you like Pokemon, you should play this.

I rate Pokemon AS at 675 Pokedex entries out of 712.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Fiction: Listen

Have you ever stopped and spent a few hours in silence to listen to the sound coming from your house, and I mean really stopped to listen? All houses have those sounds, those creaks and groans as metal and wood settle on foundation or the wind blowing through the gutters that rattle against the dirty window pane. Your feet will crinkle carpet as you step your way into bed, shoes will click against the fake wood linoleum when you walk in the kitchen. Door hinges will softly sigh when new, or creak and whine with age, and the soft hum of the a/c unit as it breathes out to chill your home. Your house has a voice, a life, a unique sound that you can only hear if your very still and quiet.

A friend of mine suggested I try meditation the other day, to relax as well as align myself with my environment in my new house. I don't really believe in much of that new age mumbo-jumbo, but I do understand the value of some peace and quiet. To be honest I had never really ever had it, there's always music or TV playing to distract me. Modern life, right? The price we pay for our advances, that constant hum of electricity and artificially created sounds. I decided to turn everything off, unplug all my electronics and even turn off my modem. I set the A/C to off and made sure everything in my house that could create an artificial sound was off, finding a quiet room far from my kitchen and resting in the center. I sat down on the floor and closed my eyes, focused on my breathing and just...listened. I listened for the sounds in my house.

I heard what I expected at first, the creaking in the wind and the brush of branch on wall. Then I heard a different sound.

The sound still haunts me. I can't be alone in my house anymore without something on, which annoys my roommates but they don't understand. The TV hides the sound, the a/c blasting distracts me, the hum of electricity drowns out any other noise. I can't sleep without music, I can't find peace without something to distract me from the sound I can never unhear. I will never be in my home alone in silence ever again. I can't ever handle that moment. I thought I was the only person to ever hear that sound, to listen to what I should not, but when I looked online I saw I wasn't the only one. Thousands, all around the country, had heard the same sound when alone. All of us are afraid to ever be alone in silence again. What if its in every home, what does that even mean? Why doesn't anyone hear it, anyone listen?

If I was really alone, then how did I hear that sound?

Don't believe me? Sit down in a room away from the kitchen. Turn everything off that might produce a sound, wear comfortable clothing and sit with your eyes closed and listen. LISTEN. Don't even think, clear your mind and just LISTEN. LISTEN.

Hear that?

I did.


Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Why Thanksgiving is not real

This post is gonna be a bit ramble here, excuse it please. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the basic ideas I put together in my head.

I decided to spend the day in silence, enjoying the company of my own mind and thoughts. These days are rare, and I enjoy them whenever I can. While I was taking a nice drive, on the radio I heard a Christmas jingle begin to play. I began with my usual grumbling response of "why can't Christmas stay in its own season" and then I paused, because Thanksgiving really doesn't have a "season". Thanksgiving has nothing big, it's an artificial day we created just like Christmas or Easter. Why do I suddenly care if it gets overshadowed?

An hours worth of rushing thoughts and whirling memories (and math) later, I was shocked with the only observable answer I could find: Thanksgiving wasn't real.

To give you some context...another life ago I played a game as a character obsessed with all things Christmas and the Christmas season. To better play as this character, I began to study Christmas and winter traditions all around the world and through time. One thing that I discovered that made me uncomfortable was the uniform way we celebrated these winter holidays. 

All around the world, humanity as a shared species has decided that there needed to be a winter ritual, to inspire the mind and bring the community together. This ritual was based around local spiritual beliefs, but always had the same purpose and context. No matter the time, the culture or even the date; humanity had a shared "winter" ritual/holiday that was incredibly vital and important to us. As I studied this one holiday, to better understand the cycle of progress I discovered that we had done very much the same for a Fall/Summer/Spring holiday as well. It was if at those times we decided this was important, and it shaped our cultures. 

But we still needed to define ourselves individually as well. (Again) In almost every culture I studied there was an additional 4 other holidays around the year that were important, but these were important in idea but not in ritual. For example it was always important to our ancestors that we honor and celebrate our dead and remember them, but how that is done differs not just culture to culture but even town to town. So this happens through all our lives, we seek out and celebrate these events.

What does this have to do with Thanksgiving I'm sure you're asking. Well funnily enough in the Gregorian calendar system that was designed for Western calendars, no ritualistic holidays fall in November. No holiday or ritual of importance to Western culture falls in November.

That's weird right? Especially because the holidays/rituals seem to fall in a pretty set pattern. That's where things start to go deep.

The human mind seeks patterns, it seeks ritual and understanding like no animal alive on Earth. We created these rituals and holidays because we needed them, and not just the celebration but the regularity. These celebrations have anchors to our lives, marked the year. The lunar calendar was always unreliable, because of the fewer day count than the solar year it meant that months would slip seasons. What was a winter month was now a summer after a few years, so the holidays themselves acted as more of a calendar marking system than the written in many early cultures. The spring festival was always around the same time every year, as was the rest. The summer was always roughly the same distance apart from the fall and spring, which meant the holidays all fell together in a nice pattern. We, that is to say humans, like patterns because they make sense. So we were happy with that for a VERY long time.

Fast forward this to the start of modern American culture. In the 1800's as the world was changing due to the industrial revolution, humanity was changing with it. Our patterns changed, our behaviors and every way of life was affected by this change. But we still needed these rituals, these holidays we had created. They were a part of who we were as inheritors of Western culture, and had to find some way of expressing them. I believe we did adapt and change them, and that is the problem.

All around the world we have four major holidays: a spring, a summer, a fall and a winter. Americans have adjusted and changed their lives by moving to a more mild climate than what they left in Europe, and so our major holidays have changed as well. The easiest to point out is Christmas, it's firmly placed in the calendar and its morphing from a religious holiday to a secular one is more evident as the years go on. The Spring holiday is also undergoing a shift, that I feel is more due to again the drifting of Christian dominance in politics/holidays in the country. Valentine's Day is our major American spring holiday, not only does it encompass the beginnings of new love and new life but as the years have gone on its taken a larger consumer focus and begun to incorporate some other spring features like cute baby animals (representing new livestock) and flowers (representing new/blooming life). Easter still has a strong grip, but each year I see it losing more and more generalization and becoming more and more rigidly Christian (which is totally fine!)

Summer was, for a long time in old Europe, given the holiday of Beltane to celebrate...here in America we have Memorial Day. It is the "unofficial" start of the summer, it is celebrated with large group gatherings involving fire/food/drink, stories and deeds of past gathered are told and memorialized to learn from them and be like them. Students are let out to work the fields, trips are planned and happen (hello former season of war) all across the nation. Memorial Day is rooted in the ritual itch that Beltane scratched, which is why that weekend has so many important holiday traditions surrounding it. 

That brings us to Fall...which is in bad shape here in America. We have no real fall festival, hell our fall is dramatically different here than in Europe. For most of our culture we did not have a unifying fall festival, communities would throw harvest festivals in September around Michaelmas but as the industrial revolution ripped across the world that even changed how our country operated; going from an agricultural to a industrial in the relative blink of an eye. Now all the labor and work came from factories and machine halls instead of farms.

Labor Day I feel satisfies MOST of what we want for our fall festival. It honors the "harvest", brings the community and family together, welcomes back the men from their time away (returning soldiers now returning families from vacation), and shares the bounty of the harvest with everyone (hello one of the busiest sales weekends of the year). It brings that ritual component that we need to feel better.

But what about Thanksgiving? Why is that holiday, which should be our fall ritual, regulated to nothing status? Because...it's all made up.

Thanksgiving as a holiday is a fake. It does not draw from the cultural heritage of the other holidays and thus has no support to stand on. The pilgrims landed, probably happened in September by official reconciling. Harvests in America are finished by October to prepare for early winter weather that comes in November. The holiday itself wasn't official until 1942, almost 80 years after Lincoln established it (in comparison to Labor Day which has been regularly celebrated since the 1880's). The holidays point was to thank God that we were delivered from Europe and thank him for our "blessings", NOTHING to do with being focused on harvest. We don't know what to do with this holiday, so we did the only thing our subconscious brings could muster: attach all the fall ritual trappings that Labor Day was missing.

Now we have a Christian general day of thanks, parading around and pretending to be a fall featival. It has no attachment to any ritual itch humanity needs scratched, and we really only acknowledge it when forced to (or point out how it's being overshadowed by a real holiday). It's empty, devoid of the meaning that these other holidays all have for our hearts.

And that is why Thanksgiving is not real.