'Twas the night after Thanksgiving, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The plates were all dirty, the cupboards all bare,
The fridge was all stuffed with leftovers in there;
My son was all nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of tinker toys danced in his head;
And I in my worksuit, scarf and fine hat,
Had just settled down for a vodka nightcap,
When out from the workshop there arose such a'clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what's the matter.
Away through the Hedgegate I flew like a flash,
Opened door wide and kicked aside all the trash.
My Hedgebeast was running and jumping to and fro
To signal the completion of my weapons down below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Hedgespun sleigh, and eight steam-powered reindeer,
The weapons were primed and the missiles were quick,
"Well, that will finally do in that bastard St. Nick!
I have cold iron stocked and nitro boosts steady
With my night vision goggles I'll not be caught unready!
Now, Basher! Now, Lancer! Now, Taser and Mixen!
Now, Kermit! Now Ares! Now, Flamer and Twitchin'!"
I hopped in the sleigh and turned the key hard,
And rose high from my workshop, leaving ground charred.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the Hedge-top the robo-deer flew,
With a sleigh full of high-grade explosives, and rocket or two.
And then, with a roar, I heard in the night
A pack of Briarwolves, their eyes burning bright.
I drew up my reins, and turned myself 'round,
And pointed my weapons at the bastards on the ground.
There were rockets and rifles for hitting long distance,
And napalm and flamethrowers to ignite me some bitches;
I let loose my payload, tinsel sparkling in the sky,
And blew those poor briarwolves high up into the sky.
My eyes -- how they twinkled! My dimples how merry!
My cheeks were a sparklin', and I ate a hedge-berry!
"These weapons may seem abit much, but they just don't know,
How much I would give to see Santa's guts all over the snow;
His horrific reign of terror finally brought to an end,
And children everywhere can celebrate without fear once again!
And when he is gone," as I rub my hands in the napalm light,
"Then I can do his job, much to the childrens delight,
I can make all the best toys like a right jolly young elf."
And I laughed when I thought of it, in spite of myself;
"A dolly for Susan, and a Nerf gun for Fred,
Soon all will know they have nothing to dread!
A Teleporter for Holly, and a new yacht for Bandy,
While Edria gets a new dress that's just dandy!"
And laying my hands on the reigns nice and tight,
And giving a nod, I flew deep into the night;
The Hobs they all stared in wonder and gave whistles,
As I flew high above them, above Briar and Thistles.
And they all heard me exclaim, as I drove out of sight,
"You're time's up fat bastard, and soon it'll be Toil's night!"
